Monday, June 20, 2011

father's day

This guy and I have known each other for forever. Seriously...his mom was my 1st Communion teacher when we all lived in Germany at the same time. Our families have been following one another for some time and our paths have always crossed and by the grace of God or fate or whatever you want to call it we ended up on the same path. But this is not a post about "our story" it's a post about the hubs as a dad.

I don't think you ever really know how your partner is going to be as a parent. I think you have an idea of what you want your partner to be but you never really know until they become a parent. And I have to say that my partner is quickly surpassing what I thought he would be. Seeing him with baby J is indescribable. It fills my heart in a way I've never known and it brings a smile to my face that I've never had.

My hubby is not an emotional guy to the outside world. He can be sensitive but will never let you know. He's guarded and likes to act tough but don't let that you fool you. He's got the biggest heart and deep down a soft spot. Once you get to know him you learn that his eyes give him away every time. I have the privilege of watching his eyes fill with pride when he looks at our baby boy. I have the privilege of seeing a smile I've never seen before slide across his face when he sees his boy.

When I watch the hubs with our boy I know that baby J will always be loved by his daddy. I know that he will always be safe. I know that he will always have a pal in his daddy and someone he can turn to. I know that the hubby would do anything to protect him. I know that the hubby will always help guide baby J but will also let him figure some things out for himself too. I know that baby J will never be loved more by anyone than his daddy (and maybe me too). I know that their relationship will be a special one with the challenges and rewards of any relationship. I know that baby J will falter at times and get lost on his journey but I also know that the hubs will always be there to help him find his way back.

I would imagine that fathers and sons have a special relationship. I can't speak to this relationship as I only know a father/daughter relationship, which I hope the hubs will get to experience for himself one day. But even if we only ever have baby J or only ever have boys, I have high hopes for their relationship. I hope they have the kind of relationship where baby J who will eventually, God willing, turn into boy J, young man J and man J can always go to his dad no matter what the circumstance or situation. I hope they have the kind of relationship that continues to grow and evolve. I hope they have the kind of relationship where they both learn from one another. I hope they have the kind of relationship where they both teach each other. I hope they have the kind of relationship that will last a lifetime and not end or stall because baby J has grown up and gone off into the world as his own being.

Baby J is very lucky to have the hubs as his dad. His dad will teach him all kinds of things. How to ride a Harley, how to pick yourself up when you fall, how to tie a tie, how to cut his hair and shave, how to love a woman, how to throw a baseball and play soccer, how to put your family first, how to ride a bicycle, how to treat a woman, how to drive a car, how to get through heart break, how to be accountable, how to be a good man and many other of life's big lessons and small lessons. And I hope baby J teaches the hubs a few things along the way. I hope baby J teaches the hubs patience and understanding and acceptance of things big and small.

Yes, the hubs has only been a parent for a few short months and we're both growing and learning from this experience. But I have to say I'm so happy to have the hubs as my partner. He's my lifeline. He's my phone a friend. He's my best friend. He's my soulmate. I couldn't think of anyone better to be my baby daddy than him.

Happy Father's Day!

Saturday, June 18, 2011

let's be honest

"Nobody said it was easy...nobody ever said it would be this hard." ---Coldplay

Motherhood is hard. Parenting is hard. Worth it...totally and completely but nonetheless still hard. When I started this blog I made myself a promise that I would be completely upfront and honest no matter how ugly it is. Please don't judge me...there's enough judgement going on in the world the last place I need it is here on my blog where it's just me and my thoughts.

Parenting is hard. I didn't expect roses and I know that no situation or circumstance comes with an owners manual or a how-to guide. I knew life would be different once baby J came along. I knew life would change drastically. I knew it would be hard but I didn't think it would be this hard. It's not even the parenting really. I think after 2 months we've or I've come to terms with the fact that a lack of sleep and baby meltdowns are just a part of our lives now. We've reached a new level of tired that I don't think either one of us knew existed. We're slowly getting into a routine which changes every other day depending on baby J. I've got countless parenting books and I think the best advice that I've gotten from them is "You know your baby best so do what works". Which I find ironic as these books are offering advice on everything baby under the sun but nonetheless I've had to put them down because they do nothing but stress me out and go with instinct which is working so far.

No, I don't think it's the fact that parenting is hard or that I knew life was going to change after baby J. I think the issue here is I didn't expect my marriage to change. I naive of me. If my life is going to change why wouldn't I expect my marriage to change? The answer is...I don't know...that fact completely escaped me. Things have been rough the last few weeks. We're both doing the best we can on very few hours of sleep but we snap at one another daily. He thinks I'm criticizing him and I think he's not doing it right which really just translates to he's doing it differently that I do...which is not wrong.

Now I know someone out there is thinking why don't you give the baby to one of the sets of grandparents and spend some time together minus baby. We have and do but when I've handed over baby J the weight of just how exhausted I am hits me as does the fact that my house isn't going to clean itself, the laundry ain't washing or folding itself and the dishwasher doesn't load and unload itself and the groceries aren't going to magically show up in my fridge or pantry and the baby weight isn't going to melt away. By the time baby J is down for the night I'm so excited to have a few minutes to myself that I read my magazines or books, instead of sleeping. It's funny I never realized how much I took sitting on the couch or in bed with the TV on for background noise and get lost in celebrity gossip (don't judge) or Glamour, Marie Clare and Cosmo or a good book, of which I currently have 2 going at once, for granted. I also Facebook it for awhile.

I've also become keenly aware of my personal space. I have a 10 pound meatloaf (whom I love like nothing else) attached to me for the better part of the day and when I've finally gotten him unattached I like my space and don't find the hubby's advances as cute or funny as I used to. The jumbotron in my head is going "Seriously dude...". I hear this is normal but I know it hurts his feelings and I really don't mean to. That's the problem I really don't mean to hurt his feelings at all. I know we're both doing the best we can...making it up as we go. I just hate that things are hard for us, as in just us, right now. Somebody in my life told me this is normal because we both have to adapt and figure this new path on our journey. I know we're both going to do things differently but we're a team. Maybe that's what I need to remember...we're a team...working it out together and whether I believe it or not we're both going through the same thing. And if I could go back I wouldn't do it differently. The hubs is the person I want to figure it out with and travel this path with no matter how bumpy it gets.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

2 months

So it has been two months since this beautiful creature came into our worlds. And it's amazing how much he grows and changes...every day. He's definitely chubbed out and grown longer. In fact last night I had to go through his dresser and change out his clothes. Bye bye newborn sizes and most of his 0-3 months as he's a little too long for most especially his Gerber onesies. Hello size 3 and 3-6 months...except for shorts and pants...he can still wear 0-3 since he doesn't quite have the signature thunder thighs of most babies.

Baby J had his well baby checkup on the 1st of June which put him at about a month and a half and he was 9 pounds and 10 ounces and was 22.5 inches long. He's really put on some the beginning of May (when I had my 1st full blown mommy meltdown and took him in to see his Dr.) he weighed 7 pounds and 9 ounces. He's also meeting his milestones. He's starting to "talk" more and more every day which is really just cooing. He's able to hold his head up longer and longer every day. He still hates tummy time but whatcha' gonna do? He's also smiling (although we have a hard time getting them on camera) and I swear he giggles. My mom said she got a smile and a laugh out of him last Wednesday when she took him out of his carseat after his walk with my dad. His personality develops more and more every day. I swear he'll be a nerd like his mommy. He's always looking around and thinking. He even furrows his brow in his sleep. And he's obsessed with ceiling fans and lights...they're his best friends. He's also averaging about 6 hours of sleep most nights and we've even had 4 nights in the past week where he was out for 7 straight. Which is much better than the recommended 5 hours which according to most baby books is considered sleeping through the night. I don't know how these people measure their nights but that is most definitely NOT sleeping through the night in MY book. But nonetheless we're hanging in there.

The elusive smile.

I know this is wrong but I love his little pouty face right before he cries and instead of comforting him this time I reached for the camera...don't judge me.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

baby weight

So motherhood is slowly coming together. My days are pretty much the same as it's summer and lucky for me I get to enjoy it with one kid. We decided to start supplementing with formula at night as I don't produce enough milk by the end of the day and usually around 6 baby J starts his grumpy baby routine and has baby meltdowns and wants nothing to do but eat. And, I'm sorry, but I just can't have a baby attached to me for 4 hours non-stop. So the hubs and I decided to start supplementing by giving him one bottle of formula for baby J's feeding before bed. We've been doing it now for a little over a week and it has made things a lot easier. I'm not feeling like a bad mom (I got over the breast feeding guilt), baby J goes to bed with a full belly which seems to help him sleep more soundly. We average anywhere from 5-7 hours of straight sleep at night now (which let's be honest makes for a happy family of 3) and the hubs gets to help out with the feedings now.

Breast feeding was and is something I want to do for my babies but it's super hard. I'm beginning to see why some women don't stick with it. It's extremely time consuming--having to plan my day and errands around when he needs to eat and then the time it takes for him to get full and content. Plus the worry that he's not getting enough (seriously sometimes I think we girls should be equipped with measuring cups) and putting on enough weight. Which is ironic and brings me to the point of this post. While I'm trying to pack the pounds on my little meatloaf, I myself am trying to shed the baby weight like someone would shed a ski jacket in the middle of the Sahara Desert.

Now I know the saying, "9 months on, 9 months off" but it doesn't make me feel any better when I look in the mirror and still see a soft middle section with a few more rolls than I'd like. I know, I know...I just had a baby less than 2 months ago but nonetheless. Now I've never had a rockin' physique anyway and have always struggled with a healthy body image (my freshman year of college was horrible...I all but stopped eating and went from a size 6 to a size 0--we do not want a repeat of those days) but I would like to be back to my pre-baby weight by the time school starts back up in August. I gained 34 pounds with baby J and so far I have lost 20 pounds since having him. I've got 14 more pounds to go plus an extra 5 just cuz I want to. Breast feeding has helped and I work out 2-3 times a week at my parents on their Bowflex Treadclimber and have decided to add walking with baby J in his carseat and stroller on the days I don't go over to my parents.

I was lucky to be able to get back into my regular jeans within a week of having baby J but would still like to lose the 14 pounds at the least and not have some of my jeans leave horrible imprints on my tummy...that Magnum ice cream bar I just ate probably isn't helping but here's to getting back into shape the healthy way.

Me shortly after my 21st birthday and my inspiration..