great expectations

Last night was the first truly horrible night we've had since Jameson has been here. I guess it can't be that bad if out of 20 days we've only had one really rough night but it definitely put me through the ringer. Jameson refused to sleep last night starting around 11:00. I had fed him around 8:15 and he was out till around 11 and then started getting fussy. The hubs was just coming to bed and had to be up at 5:45 for work so I decided to take Jameson and myself to his room. We got all snuggled together in my glider but he refused to sleep. He was fussy/crying/screaming and wanting nothing but to eat till about 3:45. I think he finally wore himself out and passed out around 4 but I was too afraid to put him down for fear of waking him up so I crawled into bed and just cradled him till about 6. Needless to say, today was a rough day with no sleep and trying to nap when he napped. While Jameson cried last night so did this mommy. And in my crazed mindset I decided to google his "symptoms". I should never google anything baby related again especially at 1:30 in the morning with a crying newborn and no sleep.

I felt and feel like such a failure. As previously stated in my last blog this mommyhood gig is no joke. It is the hardest thing I think I've ever done and I'm only in 20 days. By nature I'm already a crazy, neurotic person but add a baby to the mix and things are certifiable. I have no idea what I thought mommyhood was going to be but I'm positive it is not this. It's a lot harder than I expected and no I didn't think it was going to be happy baby 24/7 but I don't think I fully understood the amount of work it takes. This again leads me to my I feel like such a failure. I am very Type A and like to have control over every situation and this is not a situation or circumstance where I'm ever going to have full control. I have this innate need/want to be good at everything I do and I just don't feel that way with being a mommy. I find myself saying lately that "For goodness sake, I should be able to take care of one person and be successful at it. I take care of 27 people on a daily basis." But this is hard. There are too many variables and what-ifs and it makes someone like me who is already neurotic and anxious even more so. My baby cries and I have no idea how to fix it short of changing his diaper and feeding him. I'm in a constant state of worry--"is he getting enough to eat", "could he have acid reflux", "maybe he has an allergy to something I've been eating or drinking ", "why does he never seem satisfied and full after a feeding, especially at night", "does he have thrush", "that gagging/choking thing he does can't be normal", "why does he seem to fight me at night when it's time to eat?"

I also find myself comparing myself to other mommies who seem to have it all together and think why is it so easy for them? Am I missing something? I really can't complain because Jameson really is such a good baby. With the exception of last night he rarely cries, sleeps for 2-4 hour stretches at a time, he seems to be very alert when he is awake and in general he's just a happy baby. But again, I have this innate need to be good at everything I do. I was that kid in school who strived to get the gold star and I don't feel like I'm getting it right now. I don't know that I'm good at mommyhood or that I'll ever be good at it. My house is a mess, I can only manage about one load of laundry in a day, there is only one roll of toilet paper in our house, I have to mail off a present for one of my dear friends and I need to get to the grocery store. I'm afraid that I won't live up to the expectation that is out there about being a "good mom". I'm worried that I won't live up to my great expectation of what a "good mom" is. I don't know how to do this and it stresses me out. Nobody ever tells you about this side of mommyhood.