splish, splash

So tonight the hubs and I gave Jameson his first real bath in his baby bathtub. It only took us till his 6th week of life...don't judge us...he's been getting baths in our kitchen sink but the hubs is done studying for finals and writing papers and for the first time in awhile we had a free night. Anyway...J-man loved it...he likes baths in the sink too and only gets angry when he's pulled out of the warm water to be wrapped up in his towel. I think he'll be a swimmer like his momma...he's got nice big hands that will do well to help pull him through the water. But I digress...and yes I am that mom that took about 30 pictures to document this momentous occasion and to embarrass him later when he brings girls around. =)

Clearly he's over it.

this could really be a good life

In light of the way my day started off bright and early at 6 am fighting with the hubs after having slept on the couch because our baby was having a disagreement with his bassinet and would only sleep in his swing, I did some soul searching this morning and decided that despite having a grumpy baby lately and being completely and utterly frustrated and exhausted life is actually pretty good. I also decided to make a list of things that make this a good life so when I hit the bumps in the road I can refer back and realize that, "Yes, this too shall pass" as my mom likes to say.

--finding a song that fits my mood or situation or circumstance

--dancing with Jameson and introducing him to my old favorite and new favorite songs

--going to church and finding a piece of the homily that speaks to me

--laughing in bed with the hubs at midnight

--finding a really good pair of shoes

--talking to an old friend and picking up right where we left off

--the end of a school year

--watching Jameson's face when he sleeps and how it goes from a frown and wobbly chin to a smile two seconds later

--going for a long drive to clear my head

--reaching for the hubs' hand when we get out of the car and knowing that his is reaching for mine as well

--watching high schooler's and remembering an easier time

--summer time

--the beginning of a school year, I have a thing for pencils right out of the box, crayons that haven't been colored to a nub, notebooks with clean paper and a disinfected classroom

--visiting family

--eating a juicy watermelon and having the juice run down my chin (reminds of summer with my cousins in New York)

--a long shower after a hard day

--hearing the hubs' bike come down the street after work

--having Jameson fall asleep on me

--a hug from my dad

--my mom's comforting words and encouragement

--knowing my in-laws are a phone call away

--getting lost in a good book

--puppies

--flirting with the hubs

--going through the car wash

--and staring at these faces whenever I feel like...

barefoot blue jean night

Since my days now consist of sitting around the house doing endless piles of laundry, feeding Jameson, changing Jameson, getting got up on my General Hospital (let's be honest it took about 2 days to get caught up on all the plot lines), attempting to clean the house, feeding Jameson, changing Jameson, reading mommyhood books on my Nook, texting the hubs, making the occasional (read 2-3 times a week) trip to Target and facebook stalking it appears the rest of the world is preparing for summer. For a lot of friends from my college years (I can't believe it's been 3 years already since I graduated) they've taken their finals, turned in their final projects, packed up their dorm rooms, and for some walked across a big stage and shook important people's hands. It makes me miss those days. Summer just doesn't have the same ring when you've graduated into the "real world" where you have a job with a salary and benefits (even if they don't cover much or cost and outrageous amount), a mortgage, car payments, student loan payments and a child. Yes, my chosen path in life includes Teacher as my job title---if you're sitting there thinking or saying out loud "You still get summer vacations", you can stop right there. While yes, you are correct, I do get summer vacation however it's not spent lazing around. It's spent reading, researching and creating and planning for the upcoming school year.

One might throw out the tried and true "Oh to be young again" and have summer staring you in the face where, when you were in high school or college, your biggest concern was should I set my alarm for noon or 2pm, and who am I going to lay out with or where should we road trip it to. No, I would never want to go back to that age...except for maybe my 21st year...that was a good year but I would like to go back to carefree summer days and summer night. Oh the summer nights are the best.

But really nothing beats an Arizona summer (except for maybe a New York summer spent in the lush green grass of the towns and country). When the heat of the day (if you live in Southern AZ) mixes with the smell of the impending monsoon (again if you live in AZ). When you can actually feel the heat of the day dissipate. Where you throw on your tried and true jeans. The jeans that are like your best friend and fit you in all the right places. And if your an AZ girl like this one...your favorite pair of flip-flops or sandals and a tank and head out with your girls looking for harmless fun or your favorite boy.

If you are embarking on your summer...I hope you enjoy every minute of it. If you unfortunately, only get to experience summer in snippets, I hope you relish in those moments. I get to spend this summer with my new favorite boy in my tried and true jeans with my flip-flops and a tank and that's something I wouldn't trade for all of the summer nights spent with my girls or a boy in my college years.

Really...who wouldn't want to spend their summer with this guy?

one month

One month. It has been one month since our baby Jameson entered our world. It's crazy how much things can change when you have a baby. Sometimes it feels as if he's been here forever (this feeling usually arises when I'm cuddling with him) and sometimes it feels as if we just came home from the hospital (usually at 2 am when he's angry that his momma is changing his diaper instead of feeding him). The hubs and I were talking a few days ago and I don't remember who made the comment (life is a little blurry these days) but one of us made the comment that we couldn't remember life before Jameson. No, it wasn't in the "Aww...how sweet" kind of way but more in the we literally cannot remember life before this creature or meatloaf as I affectionately refer to him as entered our world. And there's a a pinch, okay more than a pinch of the "Aww...how sweet" thrown in there.

One month. It's amazing how much things can change. Here I sit at 10:49 am still in my pj's, hair a hot mess having just finished breakfast while my kid has had 4 feedings, a bath and is dressed for the day. If I was at work my kids would just be wrapping up guided reading groups, after having already done our math warm up, morning meeting to include calendar, math, morning recess and an hour and a half of guided reading/centers.

One month. Do you remember all the one month countdowns you had when you were younger? One month till summer, one month till school starts back up, one month till I get my license, one month till I graduate, one month till Prom. It seems as if life is divided into these one month countdowns. Well, I prefer to look at our one month as a count up.

We have survived one month, and yes let's be honest here, it's survival. We have survived our first baby meltdown at 20 days old. We survived jaundice. We have survived sleepless nights, countless feedings and a hundred diaper changes that often resulted in clothing changes as we were not quick enough getting the new diaper on. I have survived the first fingernail clipping (seriously does it freak anyone else out...their fingernails are so tiny). We have survived taking the baby out into public (along with all the luggage that going out into public entails) both alone and together. I am surviving staying at home, yes I get the occasional visitor and make the occasional (read 2-3 times a week) outing to Target seeking some type of adult interaction. We (or should I say I) have survived a few 3 am googling sessions where the irrational seems completely rational. Seriously, there should be a disclaimer on the google website. "If you're a first time mommy leave this site now. Do not type in baby symptoms. Do not type in normal vs. abnormal anything...just leave the site and do not return until you've gotten at least 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep and there is a sane person in your house." But I digress.

By the way it's amazing what you can do on 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep. It's like when you were in college and could sleep until noon on a Saturday. You wake up a completely new person with a newfound attitude. It's fantastic.

But yes we have survived the first month. Our confidence grows every day as do our parenting instincts. I must say we're doing quite well. It's amazing to see how much Jameson has changed in a month. He's still a bobble-head but he's getting better at lifting and turning his head. He smiles (and no, it's not gas). He's so alert when he's awake. He just takes it all in...you can literally see the wheels in his head spinning as he looks around just drinking in everything around him. We call him the Professor because he always looks like he's thinking about something. He makes the funniest faces and has the best expressions. People have commented that he'll probably be very animated when he talks...just like his momma. He's getting better at tummy time although he'd still rather not. He's growing longer and longer every day and FINALLY starting to fill out his clothes. He looks for me when he hears my voice and is in someone else's arms. I love when he meets my eyes with his and we share this gaze for a minute or two. I love the way he curls himself up into a ball when I'm burping him on my shoulder. And I love watching the hubs with him. He really is the best dad. I also believe that baby swing and baby bjorn are the best inventions of all time. Seriously, how did people in the Dark Ages survive?

One month. One month has gone by and we have survived. We're a little rough around the edges, we're a little more tired but we're a million times happier and full of a love we've never known.

We've survived one month...we can totally do this.

He totally gets that look from his momma.

great expectations

Last night was the first truly horrible night we've had since Jameson has been here. I guess it can't be that bad if out of 20 days we've only had one really rough night but it definitely put me through the ringer. Jameson refused to sleep last night starting around 11:00. I had fed him around 8:15 and he was out till around 11 and then started getting fussy. The hubs was just coming to bed and had to be up at 5:45 for work so I decided to take Jameson and myself to his room. We got all snuggled together in my glider but he refused to sleep. He was fussy/crying/screaming and wanting nothing but to eat till about 3:45. I think he finally wore himself out and passed out around 4 but I was too afraid to put him down for fear of waking him up so I crawled into bed and just cradled him till about 6. Needless to say, today was a rough day with no sleep and trying to nap when he napped. While Jameson cried last night so did this mommy. And in my crazed mindset I decided to google his "symptoms". I should never google anything baby related again especially at 1:30 in the morning with a crying newborn and no sleep.

I felt and feel like such a failure. As previously stated in my last blog this mommyhood gig is no joke. It is the hardest thing I think I've ever done and I'm only in 20 days. By nature I'm already a crazy, neurotic person but add a baby to the mix and things are certifiable. I have no idea what I thought mommyhood was going to be but I'm positive it is not this. It's a lot harder than I expected and no I didn't think it was going to be happy baby 24/7 but I don't think I fully understood the amount of work it takes. This again leads me to my I feel like such a failure. I am very Type A and like to have control over every situation and this is not a situation or circumstance where I'm ever going to have full control. I have this innate need/want to be good at everything I do and I just don't feel that way with being a mommy. I find myself saying lately that "For goodness sake, I should be able to take care of one person and be successful at it. I take care of 27 people on a daily basis." But this is hard. There are too many variables and what-ifs and it makes someone like me who is already neurotic and anxious even more so. My baby cries and I have no idea how to fix it short of changing his diaper and feeding him. I'm in a constant state of worry--"is he getting enough to eat", "could he have acid reflux", "maybe he has an allergy to something I've been eating or drinking ", "why does he never seem satisfied and full after a feeding, especially at night", "does he have thrush", "that gagging/choking thing he does can't be normal", "why does he seem to fight me at night when it's time to eat?"

I also find myself comparing myself to other mommies who seem to have it all together and think why is it so easy for them? Am I missing something? I really can't complain because Jameson really is such a good baby. With the exception of last night he rarely cries, sleeps for 2-4 hour stretches at a time, he seems to be very alert when he is awake and in general he's just a happy baby. But again, I have this innate need to be good at everything I do. I was that kid in school who strived to get the gold star and I don't feel like I'm getting it right now. I don't know that I'm good at mommyhood or that I'll ever be good at it. My house is a mess, I can only manage about one load of laundry in a day, there is only one roll of toilet paper in our house, I have to mail off a present for one of my dear friends and I need to get to the grocery store. I'm afraid that I won't live up to the expectation that is out there about being a "good mom". I'm worried that I won't live up to my great expectation of what a "good mom" is. I don't know how to do this and it stresses me out. Nobody ever tells you about this side of mommyhood.